Image by Tamar Messer used without permission.I think I understand why so many people like to set up webcams so that the world can see them living their lives. I believe that they do it out of loneliness. Or, if not loneliness per se, something like it. When I was a little kid, I used to pretend that my life was a documentary on PBS. For some reason, this gave me a bit of dignity when my first grade teacher was cornering me in the section of the classroom she called the 'cloakroom' where all the 'cubbyholes' would be with our coats hanging in them. On many mornings I would be hurriedly trying to get out of my coat and into my desk well after the bell had rung. "A diller, a dollar, a ten o'clock scholar." That was the first time (and probably not the last) I was to hear that phrase. But for some reason, imagining that a camera was following me as I nervously walked to my desk made me feel as if I had company, or that my life had some significance and shape to it, and a bit of drama. Maybe it allowed me to get some distance from the shame, and from that slight remove, to "make" some sense out of what was happening. That sense making is one of the chief therapeutic benefits of the process of creating.
It was around that same age that I started fantasizing about performing on stage. I'm sure that I wanted to have as much fun as the Osmonds and Jackson Five seemed to be having. But also, I wanted to do something that other people would see and remember.
The lack of an audience is a major factor in my dread of 'rehearsing.' Oh, god. There's something about it, especially when I try to do it by myself, that is so lonely and desperate and formless. I have a similar feeling when I try to write anything, particularly for a class on a subject that isn't personally compelling to me. During my last semester at St. John's, I experimented with blogging while writing, and it did make me feel less lonely. Like maybe there was more at stake since I was giving "updates" to unknown readers and therefore owed it to "them" to finish my paper.Plus, it provided a little breathing room between me and my tutor. Maybe having one person out there judging my performance was paralyzing, too much pressure to bear. Having imagined "others" out there gave me a sort of hedge against total rejection. My tutor might think my work was worthless, but someone else out there might not. Another fear that haunts me is that I will have "wasted time," particularly if I spend time on something that I ultimately scrap. If I blog about it, I will at least walk away with some nicely illustrated little tableau to look at some day and recall the struggle.
So, tonight, I am preparing for a memorial service. The person who died knew in advance that she had a terminal illness, and so she planned her own service, right down to hand picking the music and the performers. I like the songs I will be singing, for the most part. Two of them are new to me: "
Let the Mystery Be" is by Iris DeMent, and it's all about how it's okay not to know what happens when we die, "I choose to let the mystery be." I like the way she and her band do it. It's a nice, bluegrassy arrangement that gently percolates. Moving forward but not in a big hurry to get there. Oh, and it is a song that definitely wants to be sung in the key of F major. We tried it in G and it refused to be sung in that key.
Another selection she wanted is called "
The Farthest Wave." This one is by Cathie Ryan and Karine Polwart. It's going to be the highlight of the program, I predict. It's a song about separation that could be about death or divorce, but definitely something insurmountable. The lyrics are well crafted yet natural, and the melody is perfect. It's got that magic combination of familiarity and novelty with the all-important unexpected couple of melodic surprises. I know that this song could be a major hit if someone like the Dixie Chicks or Mary Chapin Charpenter or Kathy Mattea got ahold of it - someone who is a grownup and a real singer.
Now I have to get to it. Here is how the sausage gets made. I have plotted out the basic forms of these songs and have a general idea of the melody of each, although I'm notorious for making up my own melody in the heat of the moment. It's unlikely that I will have the lyrics memorized in time for the service, so I'll have a music stand. I have to be able to spit out, like my name, rank, and serial number, what happens in the intro, who starts it, how many verses and choruses there are, where the instrumental break goes, and how the song ends. I also have to go back over my chords to make sure they are correct, and fix some of the lyrics that I transcribed and that I know are incorrect. OK, it's 12:14 am. I'll check in after I'm done with proofreading the charts for these two songs. Bye.
posted by Lisa #
8:31 PM |
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